My winter depression

Lexxie is 17 and suffered severe depression - but only during winter. She emailed us her struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)...

For as long as I can remember I've never been happy in winter. When I was younger I would be really distant for months at a time, and would just sit there, staring out of a window for the best part of every day.

As I got older, things started to get worse. When I was 13, I went through a phase where I would just start crying for no reason. I was fine around my friends, but as soon as I was alone I would get an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.

I didn't really think much of it, and it was put down to hormones. But when I reached 14 it was the worse it had ever been. I started feeling down in September, which had never happened before. It was usually only from November to February.

“ I went on a downward spiral”

One day in the end of September, I was at a friends house and I just started crying. But it didn't stop there. I was panicking about nothing at all, and after about 15 minutes of twitching and crying I passed out.

Terrified

My friend called an ambulance. It was one of the scariest times of my life. I couldn't see anything and was drifting in and out of consciousness.

The paramedics gave me the all-clear, and I went home. I cheered up a bit for about a month. Then the same thing happened again, only this time I was at school.

After that, it became regular. At one stage it was happening everyday. It was terrifying. On top of this, I went into a downward spiral of depression and self-hatred.

Self harm

I started self-harming in November, and by Christmas I was covered in cuts and bruises. I hated myself so much that my New Year's resolution was to stop eating - stupid I know, but I was in a really bad state.

I starved myself almost completely for weeks. In February I tried to strangle myself a number of times, but my hands wouldn't let me. All these things continued to mount up for months.

In March last year, I realised I had a serious problem, but I felt I couldn't tell anyone. They would have better things to do with their time than talk to me, surely?

Secret exposed

Then came some terrible news. We had to have injections in school and my arms were shredded and scarred. I was practically crying when I went in. When I took off my jumper and rolled up my sleeve the nurse looked so shocked. I thought she would start to cry, too.

She said she wanted to talk to me in private, and we went into her office. It was hard, but I told her everything. I was later diagnosed with SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Opening up

I was so relieved there was a reason behind this madness. As part of my treatment I had to tell my mum. I was absolutely petrified but she took it surprisingly well.

It turned out she had SAD too. We just cried together for ages. Thankfully, now I have recovered, and I've felt so much better this year. My advice is to tell someone if you're suffering. Don't keep it to yourself.