My struggle with OCD

Ami is 14 and struggles with a disorder that makes her obsess over the smallest things. She emailed us her story...

If you hear the term 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder', often abbreviated to OCD, you may think of people continually washing their hands or checking a lock. So did I to be honest. But I found out not even a year ago that it can be a lot more than that.

I vaguely knew about the disorder because a friend of mine had it but I didn't know the details. I had always been slightly cautious with hygiene, and sometimes passed time putting my pencils in height order and colour groups, but saw this as nothing.

Sometime in early-mid 2007, something was telling me to switch lights off (or any electrical appliances) if no one was using it or if someone was leaving the room for a brief moment. I wasn't hearing voices I was telling myself to do it.

“ They were taking over my thoughts”

This didn't seem too weird. I was saving energy, preserving the environment. I convinced myself that was the reason. But more things gradually made their way into my mind. I'd have to turn electrical socket switches off.

Perhaps I wasn't normal?

An open door would torment me until I shut it and made sure of it. I have a collections of rubbers and if they weren't in a specific order I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.

I realised that these actions weren't normal. They were taking over my thoughts. I took a test for OCD, and although it was a low score, it still indicated a low level condition.

From bad to worse

As time passed things became more intense. Everything had to be checked numerous times to reassure myself. If a door wouldn't shut because the catch has broken, I'd have to pull it backwards and count in my head until I'd reached the right number.

Now it's gotten worse. I have to say a long-winded goodnight to my dog every night. If I don't, I think something bad will happen to him. Same with my family if I go out anywhere.

I have to go into my younger brothers room and stroke his head a number of times, in some senses like a final farewell - just in case. It my sound insane, but we have a stuffed giraffe, and whenever I walk past it, I have to say hello to it and stroke its head.

Learning to cope.

There are times when my OCD is tame, and more controllable. But then I feel guilty and have to go overboard with it. I've been through stages in which I have to go over everything I touch with an anti-bacterial wipe. If I was on the computer, the mouse and keyboard got a going over every few minutes.

It really annoys my family, but I can understand that. It's very difficult to understand until you experience it yourself. I have developed mild depression through this. As I'm writing this now things haven't been so bad so I'm just hoping they'll stay this way and I can find a way to manage it.